Today has been an unexpectedly awesome day....

        So today I got a text from my future boss saying that everything came back good and wanted to know when I wanted to start training for the manager position so we agreed upon Monday. I will be working 2-8 which will feel awesome because I have missed working but not my old job. Hopefully this will turn out to be a good experience but if not that is okay to. I have been on this positive kick in my life and ever since she moved out it feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted. Don't get me wrong I do miss having someone here but when it comes to living together she wasn't the right woman for me. When one door closes one will open and it opened the second door for me tonight. I got a random text from Shauna who I worked with at Lowes and it was nice. I have really missed her because we use to hang out all the time but then lost contact when I started drinking so much. Thursday she is suppose to come work out with me and I can't wait! She is a pretty kick ass woman so I guess we will see.....

        D and Emily leave tomorrow for Texas for the surgery and can't help but miss them. I know that D has been waiting for this for along time now and I can't wait for the completeness of his life. I am jealous however the more I focus on getting myself straight; with that comes the pleasure of being able to sincerely be happy and joyous for people such as D's situation. It does suck though that I can't go to show my support and see an old friend but in time I will! Im hoping that since they will be gone for a few days that maybe by some miracle I will lose a drastic amount of weight because they cook dinner all the time. I had D pre-open cans because I could just imagine being so hungry for something but not being able to open it because obviously I can't use a can opener lol......

        I have been thinking about my life and my drinking. I think I have finally or at least 98% have it under control because I crave the gym and the sweat and pain I am enduring because I know it may not be an immediate fix to my problem like drinking was but I am working for it. I am pushing myself to get in the best shape I can be and its hella cheaper than my bar tabs were. I could easily run $250 and start at happy hour but this is going to help me in the long run. I am also working on my bulking up so I am putting more weight on but less reps which is keeping my arm sore because I haven't missed a day in like three weeks but without pain there is no gain. Plus Christine keeps me going with her way of motivation and I know when Im going through it so is she SO A HUGE THANK YOU to her. Its nice to have someone who has your back regardless and always looks out for your best interest. She is one hell of a woman..........

                                      Well I guess I am going to call it a night so till next time
                                                                     JAX

I Am Doing Me

     
        So I am going to make this kinda brief unless something just consumes my mind while I am typing; but anyways so this week has been a funny, awkward kind of week and it all was lifted off by my ex. It is funny how someone could either be really stupid to do what she did or just really a bitch. She and I broke up on like the 10th or something and she is already talking to some douche bag which in all honesty I don't care but for chrissakes you spend 6 months with someone and then you just jump onto the next dick? Well I have come to a conclusion that I guess I really didn't love her because I am not hurt but just angry and somewhat amused but it is what it is. I got rid of all the remaining that was at my house that was hers and basically put shit back to normal. It feels good to have my own space back so......

        I have continued to hit the gym twice a night doing the regular five miles and also lifting. I started to increase my weight tonight hoping it will help with the bulk but my main focus right now is losing the weight but the "T" adds muscle so not quite sure if it will go as planned but I guess we will see. I have my daily inspiration that I receive from one amazing girl and even though she is in Texas I feel that we are close because we try to work out at the same time and I try to motivate her and she does the same. I am toying with the idea of quitting smoking on Monday because not only is it bad but I feel that it will increase my health as well as my happiness. I also don't want to let her down as well so we will see. I just wish she was her by my side as she has been but I am happy though with what I DO have with her.

                                  Well I guess I should head to bed or something and quit bitching but I had to get this shit out ya know................          J

                         

So today has gone pretty well.....

        So last night after my last post I went to the gym because I was so angry at my ex and I had all these feelings built up so I went and burnt off that energy. I was really proud of myself because I try to half of whatever miles I do on the treadmill that i do on a four inch incline but last night I did about a mile and a half if not more on a six inch incline. I thought that I would feel the burn during but I believe I was so angry and driven that I didn't feel anything til the treadmill stopped and I stepped off. I have slowly been working up to becoming obsessed with working out because that is MY special time that I can focus and just do what needs to be done and it doesn't hurt that a friend of mine is doing the exact same thing so she pushes me to be stronger, and faster because eventually we are suppose to have a "friendly" game of soccer. She is so convinced that she is going to school me but the only way that would happen is if she came up today. I got skills; just no lungs from smoking.

        So I had my piss test today and some of you don't know me but I don't handle drugs to well. I feel that they are so illegal and I want nothing to do with them (BUT apparently I would rather drive drunk and get a DUI... go figure)  Well anyways I have been taking B-12 and some other supplements and they make pee turn neon so I had such a guilty conscience even through I didn't do anything so I totally made sure I was covered on that BUT I went so far as to tell them they may find testosterone in the urine and god the lady's face was priceless lol. I just don't want to lose this opportunity I have by some stupid drug test ya know. SO YOU KNOW WHO CHAZ BONO IS kinda moment......

                                       Well anyways I am gonna wrap this post up so I can get ready to work out. Much love and peace........

                                                    J

     

So Part 2 of Earlier

        So lets see...... I have quit drinking for the most part because I truly am happy with who I am and who I am going to strive to be.  I do miss the old guys at the bar and especially my favorite bartender Tony Parker.   Sometimes it gets hard without running to the bar for a temporary relief but for me that relief is only going to result in the loss of friends and family and hell even jail or death. I have found that it is becoming easier and easier to deal with my feelings now that I am on T because I can just get mad instead or hurt, or sad. People may not think that is a healthy emotion but all I gotta say is at least I am not doing it drunk.  I have found that the T gives me clarity and helps me with my confidence.

        My roommate is getting surgery in about a week and boy am I jealous.  He is getting it done in Plano by one of the most skilled surgeons ever and I gotta stay home to take care of the cat but oh well. I am really happy for him and he deserves this.  I will have awhile before I get my surgery but I will hopefully be in better shape by then and maybe I will get one up ya know lol...  The plus side to the surgery is that when my roommate goes for the follow-up I may get to go and when that happens I hope to see an old friend that I haven't seen in 5 or so years and it needs to be done. She is the one I wrote about in the initial blog and since then we have been talking and her support is amazing! I even tried to warn her about my stache' and she is totally at ease with seeing me be the man I was suppose to be all along. The downside is the T doesn't regenerate limbs otherwise I would be totally complete but it may give her a heart attack.  I am just really excited to start my life again and get it back on the right track with the people I love and care about the most.

                             That's all I got tonight without bitching about other shit and I gotta hit the gym again so night all and I am going to try to make this a nightly thing so hope you like........

Two Months on T

 
               So it has been quite a long time since my last blog and I thought I should do an update. I have been recently trying to understand the severity of taking care of myself and not worrying about others so much.  I have been on "T" for two months and I have found myself with an "I don't give a damn" attitude. I actually have a pretty good grasp on who I am and where I want to be.

              I recently split up with my girlfriend of 5 months because I have found that I cannot or am not ready to live with someone that I am involved with. She has stated that the T has changed me and I have no emotions what so ever but to me I just don't react like she wants; after all she was a lesbian before dating a transguy so I figure she is just use to the over emotional reactions women sometimes get. I had quit my job before she moved out because I was so unhappy and I figured she was going to stand by me but instead she left so thank god for my roommates D and Emily. They have been helping me get by and I know it has been hard on them but thankfully I have found another job that has a great opportunity for success.

             So with this no job thing and no money I have been forced to eat what D eats and recently he went to a dietician and now we are on a portion controlled eating plan plus a strenuous workout. I have cut down to maybe two diet cokes a day if that plus three miles of treadmill at a 4 inch incline followed by weight training. Since D works we try to get in an an early workout then I go back later and try to push myself even further. If I can turn my addiction to beer into working out then I would be as healthy as a horse. I am going to work on myself and hopefully get my chest ready for surgery.

             So I will catch you up later tonight with actual T issues and what I have noticed so far......

"No Matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible."

              So guys, it has been awhile since I wrote on here so I thought I would post an update. I had my first appointment with my therapist on August 11th and boy was I shocked! Well first off lets start at the beginning of that day...... I had spent the night with my boy Val and his fiance Emily and woke up to amazing company first off because god knows I was nauseated from the stress and nervousness of what would come. Well when I went outside to smoke rain was just pouring non-stop; which if you live in Oklahoma you know that we were in need of the rain but I thought how awesome is it that this is on MY day the verdict will be read........ so anyways

               I get to the office and meet her secretary which seemed real cool and while waiting on the Doc I just filled out the general paperwork. (And mind you my heart is pounding and I'm a little shaky.) In this lady comes and she sat down and started to ask me A LOT of "probing" questions but she had a way of doing it that I felt comfortable. I noticed that I was soon explaining things that I had keep in for years and years and that I have never told anyone so that was awkward. Well anyways it all ended with her giving me three months and so that means November 11th will be my first shot.

              So what I have been doing since then to prep....... I have ordered my first binder that will conceal my chest and I think it's pretty cool but it took me like twenty minutes to put it on, but hell its worth it. I also went and bought natural T as well as an anabolic steroid so I can get in shape before my first shot. Anyone who knows me knows that my emotions are totally whacked and I find myself on the extremes i.e. crying or fuming angry....... I think that the fact that my manager, as well as my "work" therapist left for vacay isn't helping but it's whatever. I have been trying to work out my anger and that has been working so far but again it's all or none and so I have been overdoing it and therefore I NOW realize I am not Superman.

             WOMEN= I have came to a conclusion that they all suck. I mean like I fall into the category of being the friend but nothing more. I met this girl at work and she is pretty cool and accepts what I am going through but what scares me is that what if that is my chance to be happy? What if I never find a girl that accepts Me for Me. Well I guess only time will tell....... So recently a woman that I use to work with whom I had extremely strong feelings for came back in my life and it brought a bunch of old emotions up. I haven't heard from her in over two to three years and I don't know how to feel about it. I always thought deep down in my gut that she was the one for me and then one day she up and disappeared which really hurt me. I told her that I was going to have surgery in Texas soon and that maybe we could get together and she asked me what I was having it for..... I told her only that I was going to have a double mastectomy and she asked me if I was OK; like not sick......... Well if you are reading this you now know and I hope you will choose to remain in my life as a friend.............................................

                 That's all for now........

            

So here goes the actual first blog

                                        THIS IS THE START OF MY JOURNEY SO IF YOU CAN'T      HANDLE THE TRUTH AND HONESTY THIS THIS IS A WARNING BECAUSE SOME STUFF MAY OFFEND READERS BUT THIS IS ALL REAL AS IT GETS                                                                                                                                                                                                                    So as most of you read I am going to transition.  I was surprised that most of you who read it had nothing but positive thoughts on it. I am so super excited to get everything going because it has been a lifetime waiting lol.... I want to just warn you that I will write as my thoughts cross so it will be very random. So I think the thing I am looking forward to the most is being able to mow the lawn without my shirt after the top surgery. I already found a surgeon that a lot of guys go to and from what I see he does an amazing job. The surgery will cost about 7,500 but I feel it is going to lift some weight off my shoulders (or shoulder) but anyways that thought always runs in my thoughts. Another awesome thing that is on my mind is the muscle build..... I mean god knows I wish the "T" would just automatically eat my fat away but I will still need to work out at it.

       I have my first appointment on August 11th which seems like an eternity away. When I took "T" before I didn't have to follow any protocol like you have to do so I will have to see a therapist for a few times so she can see that this is true and right but hopefully the fact that I have been on "T" will make it faster to get back on. That part scares me because I already waited long enough and know that this is who I am. Every morning I wake up and look for my morning wood that's not there LOL and then I get depressed because instead I have the mounds of useless flesh...... UGH that pisses me off. Anyways I want everyone that reads these blogs know that if ya'll ever have any questions feel free to ask, and I will be as open and honest as I can with you. Check out this link if you guys have time..... A "Transguy" that you need to see..... Goodnight all and thank you for your support. By the way if you have suggestions on names I am open because I am leaning towards Jackson McClain....................

Well guess I better not keep those waiting

         Well as a lot of you know I have had a lot on my mind at work and facebook lol...... I have been posting things that refer to change and I want and need to explain it to you; as well as track my personal growth so I started this blog. A lot of you that are going to read this are my fellow co-workers and I feel that because this journey will eventually change me I believe that you have every right to know. As ya'll now I am a pretty big one armed, butch dyke and you know how I am. Approx. about six years ago I started a thing called testostorone because I believed I was a straight man that was just trapped in a womans body and at that time looking back I always felt that way but anyhow, I took "T" for a few months but had to stop because my fear of upsetting my family.
        Well now I am twenty-eight and still have the longing to feel comfortable in my body because right now I don't. I am not the person I believe I should and need to be. The feelings that I feel everyday haunt me and lead me to self-destructive behavior and that is why I AM going to transition into a man. I will then and only then sucessfully begin to live. Now I may lose some of you as my friends and I may even lose my family but that Is a risk that I am willing to take to be happy and alive. Well it is getting late so I will continue to update on here as well as maybe set up a youtube for visual updates. Thank you to all who have read and I hope you stick around.