"No Matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible."

              So guys, it has been awhile since I wrote on here so I thought I would post an update. I had my first appointment with my therapist on August 11th and boy was I shocked! Well first off lets start at the beginning of that day...... I had spent the night with my boy Val and his fiance Emily and woke up to amazing company first off because god knows I was nauseated from the stress and nervousness of what would come. Well when I went outside to smoke rain was just pouring non-stop; which if you live in Oklahoma you know that we were in need of the rain but I thought how awesome is it that this is on MY day the verdict will be read........ so anyways

               I get to the office and meet her secretary which seemed real cool and while waiting on the Doc I just filled out the general paperwork. (And mind you my heart is pounding and I'm a little shaky.) In this lady comes and she sat down and started to ask me A LOT of "probing" questions but she had a way of doing it that I felt comfortable. I noticed that I was soon explaining things that I had keep in for years and years and that I have never told anyone so that was awkward. Well anyways it all ended with her giving me three months and so that means November 11th will be my first shot.

              So what I have been doing since then to prep....... I have ordered my first binder that will conceal my chest and I think it's pretty cool but it took me like twenty minutes to put it on, but hell its worth it. I also went and bought natural T as well as an anabolic steroid so I can get in shape before my first shot. Anyone who knows me knows that my emotions are totally whacked and I find myself on the extremes i.e. crying or fuming angry....... I think that the fact that my manager, as well as my "work" therapist left for vacay isn't helping but it's whatever. I have been trying to work out my anger and that has been working so far but again it's all or none and so I have been overdoing it and therefore I NOW realize I am not Superman.

             WOMEN= I have came to a conclusion that they all suck. I mean like I fall into the category of being the friend but nothing more. I met this girl at work and she is pretty cool and accepts what I am going through but what scares me is that what if that is my chance to be happy? What if I never find a girl that accepts Me for Me. Well I guess only time will tell....... So recently a woman that I use to work with whom I had extremely strong feelings for came back in my life and it brought a bunch of old emotions up. I haven't heard from her in over two to three years and I don't know how to feel about it. I always thought deep down in my gut that she was the one for me and then one day she up and disappeared which really hurt me. I told her that I was going to have surgery in Texas soon and that maybe we could get together and she asked me what I was having it for..... I told her only that I was going to have a double mastectomy and she asked me if I was OK; like not sick......... Well if you are reading this you now know and I hope you will choose to remain in my life as a friend.............................................

                 That's all for now........

            

So here goes the actual first blog

                                        THIS IS THE START OF MY JOURNEY SO IF YOU CAN'T      HANDLE THE TRUTH AND HONESTY THIS THIS IS A WARNING BECAUSE SOME STUFF MAY OFFEND READERS BUT THIS IS ALL REAL AS IT GETS                                                                                                                                                                                                                    So as most of you read I am going to transition.  I was surprised that most of you who read it had nothing but positive thoughts on it. I am so super excited to get everything going because it has been a lifetime waiting lol.... I want to just warn you that I will write as my thoughts cross so it will be very random. So I think the thing I am looking forward to the most is being able to mow the lawn without my shirt after the top surgery. I already found a surgeon that a lot of guys go to and from what I see he does an amazing job. The surgery will cost about 7,500 but I feel it is going to lift some weight off my shoulders (or shoulder) but anyways that thought always runs in my thoughts. Another awesome thing that is on my mind is the muscle build..... I mean god knows I wish the "T" would just automatically eat my fat away but I will still need to work out at it.

       I have my first appointment on August 11th which seems like an eternity away. When I took "T" before I didn't have to follow any protocol like you have to do so I will have to see a therapist for a few times so she can see that this is true and right but hopefully the fact that I have been on "T" will make it faster to get back on. That part scares me because I already waited long enough and know that this is who I am. Every morning I wake up and look for my morning wood that's not there LOL and then I get depressed because instead I have the mounds of useless flesh...... UGH that pisses me off. Anyways I want everyone that reads these blogs know that if ya'll ever have any questions feel free to ask, and I will be as open and honest as I can with you. Check out this link if you guys have time..... A "Transguy" that you need to see..... Goodnight all and thank you for your support. By the way if you have suggestions on names I am open because I am leaning towards Jackson McClain....................

Well guess I better not keep those waiting

         Well as a lot of you know I have had a lot on my mind at work and facebook lol...... I have been posting things that refer to change and I want and need to explain it to you; as well as track my personal growth so I started this blog. A lot of you that are going to read this are my fellow co-workers and I feel that because this journey will eventually change me I believe that you have every right to know. As ya'll now I am a pretty big one armed, butch dyke and you know how I am. Approx. about six years ago I started a thing called testostorone because I believed I was a straight man that was just trapped in a womans body and at that time looking back I always felt that way but anyhow, I took "T" for a few months but had to stop because my fear of upsetting my family.
        Well now I am twenty-eight and still have the longing to feel comfortable in my body because right now I don't. I am not the person I believe I should and need to be. The feelings that I feel everyday haunt me and lead me to self-destructive behavior and that is why I AM going to transition into a man. I will then and only then sucessfully begin to live. Now I may lose some of you as my friends and I may even lose my family but that Is a risk that I am willing to take to be happy and alive. Well it is getting late so I will continue to update on here as well as maybe set up a youtube for visual updates. Thank you to all who have read and I hope you stick around.