Today has been an unexpectedly awesome day....

        So today I got a text from my future boss saying that everything came back good and wanted to know when I wanted to start training for the manager position so we agreed upon Monday. I will be working 2-8 which will feel awesome because I have missed working but not my old job. Hopefully this will turn out to be a good experience but if not that is okay to. I have been on this positive kick in my life and ever since she moved out it feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted. Don't get me wrong I do miss having someone here but when it comes to living together she wasn't the right woman for me. When one door closes one will open and it opened the second door for me tonight. I got a random text from Shauna who I worked with at Lowes and it was nice. I have really missed her because we use to hang out all the time but then lost contact when I started drinking so much. Thursday she is suppose to come work out with me and I can't wait! She is a pretty kick ass woman so I guess we will see.....

        D and Emily leave tomorrow for Texas for the surgery and can't help but miss them. I know that D has been waiting for this for along time now and I can't wait for the completeness of his life. I am jealous however the more I focus on getting myself straight; with that comes the pleasure of being able to sincerely be happy and joyous for people such as D's situation. It does suck though that I can't go to show my support and see an old friend but in time I will! Im hoping that since they will be gone for a few days that maybe by some miracle I will lose a drastic amount of weight because they cook dinner all the time. I had D pre-open cans because I could just imagine being so hungry for something but not being able to open it because obviously I can't use a can opener lol......

        I have been thinking about my life and my drinking. I think I have finally or at least 98% have it under control because I crave the gym and the sweat and pain I am enduring because I know it may not be an immediate fix to my problem like drinking was but I am working for it. I am pushing myself to get in the best shape I can be and its hella cheaper than my bar tabs were. I could easily run $250 and start at happy hour but this is going to help me in the long run. I am also working on my bulking up so I am putting more weight on but less reps which is keeping my arm sore because I haven't missed a day in like three weeks but without pain there is no gain. Plus Christine keeps me going with her way of motivation and I know when Im going through it so is she SO A HUGE THANK YOU to her. Its nice to have someone who has your back regardless and always looks out for your best interest. She is one hell of a woman..........

                                      Well I guess I am going to call it a night so till next time
                                                                     JAX

I Am Doing Me

     
        So I am going to make this kinda brief unless something just consumes my mind while I am typing; but anyways so this week has been a funny, awkward kind of week and it all was lifted off by my ex. It is funny how someone could either be really stupid to do what she did or just really a bitch. She and I broke up on like the 10th or something and she is already talking to some douche bag which in all honesty I don't care but for chrissakes you spend 6 months with someone and then you just jump onto the next dick? Well I have come to a conclusion that I guess I really didn't love her because I am not hurt but just angry and somewhat amused but it is what it is. I got rid of all the remaining that was at my house that was hers and basically put shit back to normal. It feels good to have my own space back so......

        I have continued to hit the gym twice a night doing the regular five miles and also lifting. I started to increase my weight tonight hoping it will help with the bulk but my main focus right now is losing the weight but the "T" adds muscle so not quite sure if it will go as planned but I guess we will see. I have my daily inspiration that I receive from one amazing girl and even though she is in Texas I feel that we are close because we try to work out at the same time and I try to motivate her and she does the same. I am toying with the idea of quitting smoking on Monday because not only is it bad but I feel that it will increase my health as well as my happiness. I also don't want to let her down as well so we will see. I just wish she was her by my side as she has been but I am happy though with what I DO have with her.

                                  Well I guess I should head to bed or something and quit bitching but I had to get this shit out ya know................          J

                         

So today has gone pretty well.....

        So last night after my last post I went to the gym because I was so angry at my ex and I had all these feelings built up so I went and burnt off that energy. I was really proud of myself because I try to half of whatever miles I do on the treadmill that i do on a four inch incline but last night I did about a mile and a half if not more on a six inch incline. I thought that I would feel the burn during but I believe I was so angry and driven that I didn't feel anything til the treadmill stopped and I stepped off. I have slowly been working up to becoming obsessed with working out because that is MY special time that I can focus and just do what needs to be done and it doesn't hurt that a friend of mine is doing the exact same thing so she pushes me to be stronger, and faster because eventually we are suppose to have a "friendly" game of soccer. She is so convinced that she is going to school me but the only way that would happen is if she came up today. I got skills; just no lungs from smoking.

        So I had my piss test today and some of you don't know me but I don't handle drugs to well. I feel that they are so illegal and I want nothing to do with them (BUT apparently I would rather drive drunk and get a DUI... go figure)  Well anyways I have been taking B-12 and some other supplements and they make pee turn neon so I had such a guilty conscience even through I didn't do anything so I totally made sure I was covered on that BUT I went so far as to tell them they may find testosterone in the urine and god the lady's face was priceless lol. I just don't want to lose this opportunity I have by some stupid drug test ya know. SO YOU KNOW WHO CHAZ BONO IS kinda moment......

                                       Well anyways I am gonna wrap this post up so I can get ready to work out. Much love and peace........

                                                    J

     

So Part 2 of Earlier

        So lets see...... I have quit drinking for the most part because I truly am happy with who I am and who I am going to strive to be.  I do miss the old guys at the bar and especially my favorite bartender Tony Parker.   Sometimes it gets hard without running to the bar for a temporary relief but for me that relief is only going to result in the loss of friends and family and hell even jail or death. I have found that it is becoming easier and easier to deal with my feelings now that I am on T because I can just get mad instead or hurt, or sad. People may not think that is a healthy emotion but all I gotta say is at least I am not doing it drunk.  I have found that the T gives me clarity and helps me with my confidence.

        My roommate is getting surgery in about a week and boy am I jealous.  He is getting it done in Plano by one of the most skilled surgeons ever and I gotta stay home to take care of the cat but oh well. I am really happy for him and he deserves this.  I will have awhile before I get my surgery but I will hopefully be in better shape by then and maybe I will get one up ya know lol...  The plus side to the surgery is that when my roommate goes for the follow-up I may get to go and when that happens I hope to see an old friend that I haven't seen in 5 or so years and it needs to be done. She is the one I wrote about in the initial blog and since then we have been talking and her support is amazing! I even tried to warn her about my stache' and she is totally at ease with seeing me be the man I was suppose to be all along. The downside is the T doesn't regenerate limbs otherwise I would be totally complete but it may give her a heart attack.  I am just really excited to start my life again and get it back on the right track with the people I love and care about the most.

                             That's all I got tonight without bitching about other shit and I gotta hit the gym again so night all and I am going to try to make this a nightly thing so hope you like........

Two Months on T

 
               So it has been quite a long time since my last blog and I thought I should do an update. I have been recently trying to understand the severity of taking care of myself and not worrying about others so much.  I have been on "T" for two months and I have found myself with an "I don't give a damn" attitude. I actually have a pretty good grasp on who I am and where I want to be.

              I recently split up with my girlfriend of 5 months because I have found that I cannot or am not ready to live with someone that I am involved with. She has stated that the T has changed me and I have no emotions what so ever but to me I just don't react like she wants; after all she was a lesbian before dating a transguy so I figure she is just use to the over emotional reactions women sometimes get. I had quit my job before she moved out because I was so unhappy and I figured she was going to stand by me but instead she left so thank god for my roommates D and Emily. They have been helping me get by and I know it has been hard on them but thankfully I have found another job that has a great opportunity for success.

             So with this no job thing and no money I have been forced to eat what D eats and recently he went to a dietician and now we are on a portion controlled eating plan plus a strenuous workout. I have cut down to maybe two diet cokes a day if that plus three miles of treadmill at a 4 inch incline followed by weight training. Since D works we try to get in an an early workout then I go back later and try to push myself even further. If I can turn my addiction to beer into working out then I would be as healthy as a horse. I am going to work on myself and hopefully get my chest ready for surgery.

             So I will catch you up later tonight with actual T issues and what I have noticed so far......